Change is Nature’s Way of Saying STOP SCREWING THIS UP

As a writer, I think this is beautiful. As a mother, I am horrified. HORRIFIED. And disgusted. You have a fucking village, you savages! I’ve got a village of 5 people and 4 of them work full time but we still manage to take care of my kid.

The old ways are bullshit. That’s why we keep inventing new ways.

 

“Those who are unable to believe in the old ways go south, where life loses this rawness.” In the Tin House archives, writer Emma Cline publishes flash fiction, “Perseids,” set in Tasiilaq, Greenland.

via Perseids — Discover

Sanctimommy Says What?

100% of the reason I leave the playground early is other moms being jerks. We don’t have anywhere we need to be. I don’t need to be checking the time every 15 minutes. I’m just counting down the minutes until I can be the hell away from them.

We went to the fancy suburban park today. It is very different from the city parks we usually go to. Let me tell you how:

City parks:

Have those squishy springy floors that make me very comfortable with my little guy running full out, knowing he will fall on his face but still not get hurt.

Have broken glass and ample cigarette butts (among other things) around the perimeter.

Have some shitty parking situations.

Have a lot of latchkey kids that need attention and try to get it from any adult they can find.

Have some shitty parents who are present but not really.

Have some friendly down-to-earthy parents who will say hi but not get too friendly and try to get their attention needs met by me while I’m trying to watch my son and keep him from jumping off the top of… everything, really. They just say hi and smile and watch their kid and I watch my kid and it’s lovely.

 

Rich suburb park I went to today:

Had lots of older people taking walks and commenting on how adorable my son is.

Had some middle-aged ladies taking walks and being friendly and calling my kid cute.

Had great parking!

Has functioning bathrooms!

Had a pond and a baseball diamond and basketball and tennis courts and walking trails and picnic areas and walking trails and seriously, great parking in several places.

Had mulchy playground flooring which is not my favorite.

But also had two giant sandboxes with lots of community toys!

Had not 1, not 2, but 3 climbing structures in various sizes for various age groups.

Had like 5 different swingsets, a little play house, two other play thingies that weren’t quite climbing structures?

Had a bunch of BITCHY RICH MOMS who were very chatty and judgy and parented LOUDLY and complained about their how tight their diamond shoes were and how all their hundred dollar bills don’t fit in their wallets or whatever.

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Also, some bitch harumphed me when I took out my phone to check the time and then fell all over herself to compliment the guy who was playing tag with his kids and kicking sand all over the little kids. You know, because men who parent are heroes and women who parent are open to every kind of judgement ever.

Then I listened to a couple of parents complain about being “orphaned” when their JCC preschool program closed down and how they’re so lucky the super expensive private school that costs more than my entire college education had a couple of spots available in their summer program so they could get rid of the kids and get some tennis practice in.

THEN I fended off a woman who clearly needed some grownup time because she wouldn’t stop baby-talking at me about, jeez, I don’t even know. Something about her amazing her son is and how clearly better in every way he is than mine? Awesome ice breaker, lady. Let’s go have coffee and chat some more about how inferior my kid is.

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This is why people by swing sets for their back yards.

Time to Have Another Baby

The gossip today is all about my husband’s cousin who’s about 3 months pregnant with her second child, the first of whom is 8 months older than my son. We don’t know this of course because my in-laws are all secret-tellers and gossip-mongers and we get this update secondhand (or rather fourthhand if you’re counting the number of hands held to mouths to shield the telling of said secrets).

Because I so badly want to be a good person, I reacted pleasantly because babies are wonderful news, especially for couples who desperately want them. But because people find comfort in patterns and because Old World old people are extremely competitive and because by nature most in-laws are demanding of grandbabies, by my baby math* I have until early November to get myself knocked up so I can give birth sometime around Augustish so that my second child is yet again 8 months younger than hers.

This way, my mother-in-law can have the youngest grandchild and my husband’s cousin can continue to speak to me like she invented motherhood.

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*Baby math: That thing where you count 9 to 10 months forward from every time you have sex, protected or not, to see if you could handle a baby at that point in time.

Someone Hug Clara’s Babies

theguildI’m not a gamer so I’ll never appreciate it fully, but I gotta say, I don’t like The Guild specifically because of Clara. I watched the first episode? which is several episodes? on Netflix this week during nap time and while I find Felicia Day awkwardly charming and the story itself mildly compelling, I just… ugh, as a mom, I can’t handle Clara’s neglect of her children.

It’s a comedy, Eda, they’re joking! Yes, I know, and before I had a kid of my own, I would have thought it was funny too. As a for reals mom, I often feel like just letting my child roam around restaurants so Mommy can freaking eat. But there’s also this thing that happens to you when you have a baby that changes your brain chemistry and makes the world a horrible and dangerous place that you just CAN’T handle sometimes. I stopped engaging in any sort of consumption of information that was emotional for the first year after I gave birth. I couldn’t handle the news. I had to stop watching Gotham and Mr. Robot. I unfollowed anyone on social media who posted any stories or pictures of animal or child neglect because everything made me cry at the least or send me into hysterical panic attacks.

Sometimes I hear a stranger’s baby crying several aisles away from me in the grocery store and I still get upset.

Seeing Clara’s children dirty and crying hurts me. Watching them reach their hands out of the CAGE at Tink’s house was unbearable. I cried. While watching The Guild, I cried for fictional children. Mombrain is real.

I still love Felicia Day and maybe I’ll check out some of her other projects but between not understanding or caring about gaming culture and having severe momxiety, I think I’ll pass on any more episodes of The Guild.

Girl, I don’t even KNOW you

Listen, I get that you “don’t bring the kids to the park to PLAY with them” because you’re a mom with needs and what you NEED is for your 4-year-old to stop WATCH THISing you for five minutes. I get that.

But I am also a mom with needs and I NEED for your 4-year-old, who is a complete and total stranger to me and my son, to stop WATCH THISing ME.

Because I am busy actually watching my “Mommy, maybe you don’t want to watch me attempt this skill above my ability level because you might have a heart attack” child who is blissfully pre-verbal and about 100% more willing to share and take turns even though he’s at least 2 1/2 years younger than your spawn.

There has got to be a middle ground between relentless self-sacrifice and total public douchebaggery when it comes to parenting.