It’s No Murder House, You Animals

Raise your hand if you’re a paranoid introvert!


Right, yes, me. I am a paranoid introvert. And what’s the worst thing that can happen to a paranoid introvert?


We’re having a… a…. oh God, we’re having an Open House this weekend because apparently, you can’t shut yourself in your home and still sell it to people sight unseen.

Now… I have been to tons of Open Houses and I have never looked through medicine cabinets or refrigerators. I open closet doors to see how big they are but ignore everything in them. I take off my shoes if I’m asked and I always ALWAYS respect the cat who lives there. But that’s me. That’s not everyone. That’s not the nightmare vision I have in my head of randos wandering my house in their muddiest boots looking through my personal effects and holding the door open so my cat escapes. I don’t have much in the way of stealable jewelry but I imagine it’ll be all gone. My worst enemies will show up and take pictures of my toenail fungal spray and backup underpants. My son’s favorite toys will be misplaced and the resulting meltdown will span ages. And someone, somehow will break my Keurig and make me cry.

I’m just hoping I’ve built up enough Open House karma that nothing bad happens while I’m gone.

Also, I’m sending in my in-laws to spy.

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