Sanctimommy Says What?

100% of the reason I leave the playground early is other moms being jerks. We don’t have anywhere we need to be. I don’t need to be checking the time every 15 minutes. I’m just counting down the minutes until I can be the hell away from them.

We went to the fancy suburban park today. It is very different from the city parks we usually go to. Let me tell you how:

City parks:

Have those squishy springy floors that make me very comfortable with my little guy running full out, knowing he will fall on his face but still not get hurt.

Have broken glass and ample cigarette butts (among other things) around the perimeter.

Have some shitty parking situations.

Have a lot of latchkey kids that need attention and try to get it from any adult they can find.

Have some shitty parents who are present but not really.

Have some friendly down-to-earthy parents who will say hi but not get too friendly and try to get their attention needs met by me while I’m trying to watch my son and keep him from jumping off the top of… everything, really. They just say hi and smile and watch their kid and I watch my kid and it’s lovely.


Rich suburb park I went to today:

Had lots of older people taking walks and commenting on how adorable my son is.

Had some middle-aged ladies taking walks and being friendly and calling my kid cute.

Had great parking!

Has functioning bathrooms!

Had a pond and a baseball diamond and basketball and tennis courts and walking trails and picnic areas and walking trails and seriously, great parking in several places.

Had mulchy playground flooring which is not my favorite.

But also had two giant sandboxes with lots of community toys!

Had not 1, not 2, but 3 climbing structures in various sizes for various age groups.

Had like 5 different swingsets, a little play house, two other play thingies that weren’t quite climbing structures?

Had a bunch of BITCHY RICH MOMS who were very chatty and judgy and parented LOUDLY and complained about their how tight their diamond shoes were and how all their hundred dollar bills don’t fit in their wallets or whatever.


Also, some bitch harumphed me when I took out my phone to check the time and then fell all over herself to compliment the guy who was playing tag with his kids and kicking sand all over the little kids. You know, because men who parent are heroes and women who parent are open to every kind of judgement ever.

Then I listened to a couple of parents complain about being “orphaned” when their JCC preschool program closed down and how they’re so lucky the super expensive private school that costs more than my entire college education had a couple of spots available in their summer program so they could get rid of the kids and get some tennis practice in.

THEN I fended off a woman who clearly needed some grownup time because she wouldn’t stop baby-talking at me about, jeez, I don’t even know. Something about her amazing her son is and how clearly better in every way he is than mine? Awesome ice breaker, lady. Let’s go have coffee and chat some more about how inferior my kid is.


This is why people by swing sets for their back yards.


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