The Better to Murder You In

“Wow, they took REALLY good pictures,” said my husband as we escaped another open house this morning. “Really good, like… really misleading… pictures,” he continued, driving away without looking back. We had done two drivebys earlier this week in anticipation of this open house, each time craning our necks to see as much as possible of the yard and the driveway and the garage as we passed. From the outside, it was adorable: brick and stone, manicured lawn, seal-coated driveway with a big back yard and a swing set!

“Did it feel like maybe people died in there?” I asked. “Like maybe it was a murder house. That basement seems like it would be really handy for murder.”

d63cb70ee1a3088b63e4450e2b4e8755“It just really wasn’t what I expected at all. The layout didn’t make sense. And what was with the Game of Thrones wrought iron gate down to the basement. It was just, like, out in the middle of the kitchen. Just a hole in the floor with a big swirly graveyard gate.”

“Yes, I did wonder how long it would take our child to impale himself on that.”

“And there was just a shower in the basement. Just… out in the room. With a clear curtain. A big shower facing the middle of the room with a clear curtain.”

“The better to murder you in?”

“It was dark.”

“Like you didn’t like the lighting or the wallpaper or like thematically dark? Like soul-crushingly dark?”

“It felt icky.”

“Because it was a murder house. Do you want to go see that other one?”

“No. No, I just… I just want to go home. I just want to go to our nice normal house with the finished basement and the showers inside the bathroom.”

“Our annoying neighbor doesn’t seem so bad today, huh?”

“She still needs to cut her grass. It looks like wheat fields.”

“It looks like the yard of that house should have looked to warn unsuspecting visitors of the evil within.”







One thought on “The Better to Murder You In

  1. Pingback: Is There Gold in Them There Leftovers? | Eda J Vor

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